I saw my mission in a near death experience sometime ago. My mission is not to help good triumph over evil. My mission is to rise above both polarities and to teach people to do the same. My mission is integration.
Not much of what I am about to say will make sense to those who have not experienced integration directly for themselves. But beyond the flesh, we know it. We know it in the marrow of our bones. So I ask you to listen to what is to follow with that part of you that knows beyond mental knowing.
Pain is constantly trying to drag love towards it. Because one is the truth and one is the illusion. And they are desperate to become one. Illusion is the most painful thing there is to consciousness. The most painful thing in this universe is a concept. That concept is “OTHER”. In other words, “NOT ME”. It is painful because in truth there is nothing that is not me. And for this reason, pain is always an indication that something has been dis-included from yourself.
To love is to take something in as part of yourself. The very opposite of that is to push something away. How can you not love any part of yourself? You ARE everything. And because all parts in this universe belong to everything, everything is taken as itself. You cannot “not” love because love (all parts being one) is the truth of this universe. It is the truth of who you are. You just have to realize it. Love and oneness are the same… No boundaries… No “separate self”.
Before I even had my near death experience, I began to see what is real… That my lifelong unhappiness has been self-hate. Feeling bad about the things I cannot authentically change as opposed to hide; like my unhappiness itself. Negative emotion was the single thing I was the most ashamed of.
When we think that something is bad or wrong about us, we push it away from ourselves. This leaves us alone. Cut off from other ‘parts’ of us in the universe. We become repelled. This “pushing away of parts of our self and pushing away of others (which are actually all you in a universe that is all one) is self abandonment.
I felt the moment my body went into shock. I was bleeding out onto the floor. When it did, it set in like a cold fever. I closed my eyes. Soon, the thoughts in my mind that I was thinking about myself began to crack. They cracked like glass that opened into blackness. I saw all my “personalities” break apart like they were just an illusion that the real self was wearing; like stained glass. My mental body was disintegrating.
Soon, I couldn’t move my muscles. I couldn’t scream. I couldn’t open my eyes. My limbs felt like they were severed and twisted in the bed with my torso. Suddenly from behind me, snakes and tarantulas and beetles and worms (all the things I have any resistance to in the natural world) began to crawl into my skin, through my spine, and underneath my muscles. They did not recognize my boundaries and I could not assert them. I was fighting against it without being able to move. That was when the resistance started. They would not recognize me as a self. They were merging with me, like it or not. I lay there feeling the fish that were near my neck, gasp for breath… for me. I tried to expel them, but they would not go. I tried to take them in, but I could not get the aspect of me that didn’t want them there to let that happen.
I started seeing the image of a white letter “I” appearing in the blackness. Then “ME”. I heard a voice saying “You have to give up something very precious to get what you want.” I saw that to be able to feel good (which at this time, I was feeling desperate to do because it is torture to lose your own boundaries to things you don’t want inside you), I was going to have to give myself up. But I couldn’t. It was a war. Wanting to let myself go but being unable to was the most exhausting battle I have ever experienced. As a result of that war, my heart started to feel so much pain that I saw the image of a string of barbed wire looping around it and being pulled so tight that it split my heart open. I was making moaning sounds with every out breath. The murderous ache spread through my whole body.
I started speaking out loud but in my own mind and it kept snapping me back to where I was. I asked mentally, what is the point of all of this? My inner voice responded, “Never has there ever been anything more than THIS.” And then then “This… This… This”. Each time I heard myself say the word this, I got an emotional taste of ONENESS. And I knew that it was the universe’s way of speaking to me about the fact that everything that has happened in my own individual life as Teal was leading up to this moment. This awakening. I saw Buddha under the Bodhi tree.
I saw an image of myself in my childhood bathroom, vomiting up the word “ME” into a bucket. I watched my childhood abuser pick up the bowl and walk away with it in order to throw it away. I didn’t know what I was anymore. I started crying with grief inside of myself. A voice said, “It is normal to grieve your loss of self”. It was like a funeral. I saw an image of myself on that very morning, suicidal and hysterically crying. I had been drowning in powerlessness and self hate. It was as much pain as a human can experience… Being cut off from source. I heard the words “You are dying today… You are dying today… It is what you have been asking for over and over again.” I felt the finality of that moment. I had gone too far, even for me.
I was desperate for the feel good feeling of being one with everything. That total relief that is promised in death. I was fighting for it at any cost, including my own death. But it never came. I had to let go of everything and everyone who was close to me in my life. I said goodbye to them without words and watched them fade away from me into blackness. “I don’t care anymore” I heard my inner voice say. “I’m worthless to anyone of them in this much pain. I can’t love them because the pain has bound up my arms and legs and heart. They get nothing of me anyway”. Then that voice inside me started saying, “ What am I?” “Show me the truth of myself.”
I saw my heart beating in my chest. I saw it connect through beating strings to other hearts inside other people’s chests, then animal hearts, then plant hearts. I recognized them all as my heart. I asked for them to all join as one and so they did. As they did, they began rising to a suspended location in the sky. It was beating. I looked at it and I thought… The heart is another word for core, which is another word for source. That thought dissolved the heart into blood. Then I saw all the people I loved at that time dissolve into blood and I willingly decided to dissolve into blood as well, so I could mix with them. The knowing came to me…We are all the same blood.
I asked to see God. At that moment I zoomed out from my embodiment and I saw God as myself. A giant image of me in this life. I was smiling and dancing. I was shown that this giant image of yourself is the truth everyone sees when they ask this question. If you asked it, you would see a giant you. You would see this because God is indivisible from yourself. You are created in its image. Everything in existence is created in its image. Everything is part of it. As she was dancing, she was pointing to people and things randomly and pointing at herself in an excited way as if to say “That’s me and that’s me and that’s me.”
She took me on a tour of all the parts of herself… Of all things in existence (as if they were body parts within her)… Including the totality of the past, present and future.
I asked, “How did this all begin?” I saw blackness. She explained that “definition” was the beginning of the cancer. She wanted to define what she was. Just that one thought, cracked her oneness. That was the first time that she started to feel the torture that there was nothing for her to be in relationship with. The second she created a fracture in herself, she perceived herself as isolated. It was the feeling of having no soul mate. It is a loneliness that is so ineffably painful it comes with no words.
Like a cancer, that thought began fracturing the oneness and those fractures became other fractures. And soon the fractures began forgetting what they were a part of. The illusion of separateness was a kind of tipping point, after which all further fractures within that oneness, no longer felt the oneness… Only aloneness, only ‘self’… Only that which we call ego. This was the birth of ‘relationship”. This was the birth of ‘OTHER’. This was the birth of ‘attachment’. Aspects of source became like enemies. They couldn’t be one and so they began to devour each other and run from each other. They began to push and pull. It was at this point that source itself felt desperate. It felt pain about the lost aspects of itself. And so she created all kinds of things from human embodiments of herself (what we call messiahs) to plant medicines to near death experiences, all things that would dissolve the attachments so that a being could come back to oneness; where there is no need for attachment. There is no need for attachment in a unified field. It was happening to me right then and there.
At that point, I merged with her. I am God. But I battled as her for what felt like an eternity to let go of the desperate longing for another God somewhere and to focus on pulling the parts of myself in that were disintegrated instead. She told me, but this time from the inside, “You’re supposed to feel separation anxiety. Without separation anxiety, the expansion path could not be oneness. We would never find what is real about ourselves then. It is an indication that you are separate from something, not loving something.” She showed me the future of my singular embodiment as Teal. She showed me that my destiny is to be the new spiritual leader who is supposed to bring people back to authenticity and integration (which is oneness). If I didn’t feel the pain of separation myself, the pain that is the reality for the universe at this time, I would never be able to carry out my purpose.
I was tested several times during the experience. One of these times was when Source asked me if I want fame. I said yes and Source gave it to me. But the gratification instantly diminished when I realized that there is nothing else besides ME in this universe. I was standing on a mountain in front of the whole world. All people were watching me. But when I turned around, all the people that were watching me were a billion duplicates of me. I saw this because everything is me. I saw at the deepest level that I literally do not even have an audience. It was the single most humbling thing I’ve ever felt. It was at that moment that I gave up fame and started to really care that aspects of me (as god) didn’t know they were a part of me. I cared to love them. And I suddenly saw all my focus going towards pulling in those parts of myself, especially the parts of myself that felt unwanted by me. This is the platform of my career.
At this moment, I saw my god self literally become embodied in the form of my individual Teal self on a stage. I was being shown my future. I was in front of the world. Most of the world was being called home by me. It is what I already knew intuitively. All my cells turned into worlds. I saw myself shot… Assassinated. But this time it didn’t cause me pain to see because I knew that people needed to see the pain of separation (pushing people away from yourself) in order to desire and find oneness again.
“I am part of you” I said to the god self. She said “No, you still don’t get it”… I am you.” I struggled to conceptualize of it again. She said, “No, you still don’t get it… You are me.” I suddenly saw myself AS everything in existence. I saw myself as a toothbrush, as a series of people, as a horse, as a spider, as a plant, as space itself. All of the things in existence were flipping through so rapidly that I took in millions of years worth of fragments, I saw myself as all of them.
I turned towards the things I didn’t want to be. Things like war, broken fences, poverty, corrupt politicians, dog poop, vomit, etc. I felt myself fighting against it, resisting it. Not wanting to be a part of it but knowing that I have to do this. I fought against it. I felt myself being really upset with myself that I was unwilling to just let my ‘self’ die so I could take it all in. I reminded myself to love that self which is unwilling to die because it too, is part of me.
I saw that the problem with certain spiritual philosophies is that they believe that God is only positive things… only happiness. But the reality is that God is all things. It is pain. It is illusion. It is joy. It is truth. And what it needs me for is to teach its parts to integrate with its other parts, which is love.
This is the way it fits together: The positive aspect of Source needs to practice love for the negative aspects instead of to push them away. The negative side needs to accept this love as a bringing in of itself.
At this moment, I was shown every person in my life in succession who I have pushed away. I saw them clearly. I saw the sides of them that need love so clearly. My heart broke. My heart broke as I watched how the way they hurt me, led to me pushing them away, which made me lonely and them lonely.
With each person, I went up to them and reached out across the distance created by the push away and held them so tight. I heard myself say to them “I love you so much more than you will ever know”. I do not hate any of them. I love them so much I can’t stand it. The hate was the feeling of pushing them away because of hurt (feeling like I was pushed away). Feeling like they didn’t love me anymore. I was forced to lay for an indefinite amount of time inside this aspect of me that feels completely unwanted and therefore separate from everything else. I saw that I could love someone that pushed me away and that loving would make us one. I was the only one who needed to do it; it only takes one to love because love is… only one (oneness).
Then I saw mother. I saw myself inheriting her shame. She did not integrate it, so she handed it to me, like her mother did to her. Each person who inherited it, added to it. I saw the side of her that is panicking to be told she is ok and good. I held those shamed parts of her as part of myself. I merged her into myself.
It was then that I was shown the whole story of why I ended up in this place where I was willing to end my life. The universe brought me here because this was meant to be the place of my awakening in this life. The place where I would face my shame that leads to self-hate, which leads to separateness to such a degree that I would die to myself.
Across my vision, I saw “This is your enlightenment”. “This is your enlightenment in this life”. I started to feel shame that my enlightenment would come in this way. Like I had failed.
I was sucked back into torment. For what felt like timeless eternity, I felt my bones break and my tissues stretch to absorb all of the things I love. People I love, horses, sunsets, snow etc. And then it switched to all the things I do not love in this universe… One by one. I had to see them as myself and pull them in. And each time my body had to stretch to accommodate and absorb them. War, compound fractures, illnesses, viruses, bacteria, murders, rapes, landfills, oil spills, sewage systems, brothels, etc. I took in the Akashic record. I took in the history and present and future of each being in existence. My mind became the mind of God. My heart became the heart of God. There was not anything I did not know and see and feel. Even illusion was part of me… A part of me that I absorbed. Illusion came in the form of a black vapor.
The growing pains of stretching to accommodate everything was unbearable. I was praying that I would just dissolve or break apart instead of hold shape. I had to see the pain it caused me any time I pushed anything away from myself. Like the energy when something is “gross” or smells bad. I had to see the pain of JUDGEMENT.
I saw myself going to the bathroom and when I went to the bathroom, I looked at the waste in the toilet and felt sad that it was a part of me that I was ‘getting rid of’. I realized that I could choose to feel sorrow at getting rid of it because that was the attitude with which I would be flushing it away. Or I could see that the toilet bowl is me, the water is me, the pipes are me and wherever the pipes are going is me. So instead, I could offer that part of me to the other parts myself (offer the waste to the water and to toilet bowl). And this, was loving it.
The pain was so unbelievable I started slipping into blackness. I was terrified that this resistant self would not die so I could be one with everything. I was desperate to escape it but couldn’t. Each time I got angry or upset, like mentally said “I hate that”, I would see an arm come out of me and pull it into itself and rub it lovingly into me. I did this several times to aspects of myself that would pop up and yell something like “god damnit” and thrash against something. I saw how desperate my ego was to stay safe. As if the torture of being pushed away by others is so much you’d rather push them away and suffer aloneness, only to find out that aloneness is worse. I felt trapped between being hurt (all forms of hurt are about feeling pushed away) and choosing to be alone (in pain).
I was failing. I was failing to die. A being came in and laid with me. I felt like that was a failure. I failed to face it alone. I forgot for a moment that this being is me. I needed it. I needed it to be close to me. I saw that it was the embodiment of the aspect of me that was capable of loving all the things about me that I felt were unlovable. And then another being came to me. It held its hand on my chest. For another eternity, I writhed and moaned in pain under its hand, begging the resistant side of me to die. But my ego wouldn’t let go of me. I started shaking. All of me was shaking. I realized that the thing that needed to be loved so badly was my own pain body. I let the beings that were there with me love that aspect of me. I fought against it, but pulled it in at the same time. And soon, that aspect of me could not resist anymore. It lost the fight. With a few more surges of resistance to death, it let go. I felt it dissolve and break into dust.
I saw that pain is necessary. It is necessary because it is the chrysalis. The butterfly and the chrysalis are one and the same… The butterfly being oneness. I was still in so much pain. But I wasn’t resisting it anymore. At that moment, I saw myself crawl out of a chrysalis as a giant blue morpho butterfly. I flew up into the sun and when I reached the sun, I exploded with the sun into a star burst. The pieces of it fell down like a screen of confetti against the black and I knew that it was complete. I bowed to the experience. I bowed to myself… to oneness. I was dead.
But then I woke up. I had survived instead of died. I was back inside my body again. I sat there like an open chalice as knowing after knowing came…
You cannot be trapped by something you love. To be trapped is to see something as ‘other’. You can only be trapped by something you are pushing away.
There is a difference between what is true and what is real. EVERYTHING in this universe is true. It is all a matter of perspective, including illusion. It isn’t possible to be wrong. But real is beyond all this. Real contains both truth and illusion.
There is no such thing as a needs conflict or a boundary violation if you love each other. Any time one occurs, there is an aspect of them that you are not taking as yourself.
Inauthenticity is the same as not giving a part of yourself to someone; so they cannot even have the opportunity to take it as themselves. This is why so many need conflicts happen when someone is not being authentic about their own needs and truths.
It does no good to write list upon list of what you like about yourself. That defines you and pulls against what is unwanted. You use it to escape the aspect you cannot love.
If you offer positive to the negative instead of using positive to get away from the negative, it is an integrating energy. Offering myself thoughts and words that cause me to feel good about the future is something that the aspects of me that fears the future needs. I can offer a medicine to the aspect of me that feels PTSD, like I have no control in this world, like the past damaged my heart. I can offer music to the aspect that feels stuck in one vibration. I can offer proof for how the self that feels powerless to something, is not powerless. And this, is loving it.
MEET THE NEED of the disintegrated self. This is really my work in the world. My work is: WHAT CAN I OFFER THIS SELF THAT FEELS SEPARATE? So as to bring it closer to the whole… This is loving it.
When we perceive ‘other’ and we don’t trust ‘other’ with ourself, we feel deep fear about the future. We cannot trust that it will feel good because we feel they are against us. You cannot rely on anything that perceives itself to be separate from you to capitalize on your best interests, so of course you distrust it. But the ultimate reality is that everything is you, so it does have your best interests at heart. You can’t not trust the universe if every aspect of it is you. It can’t NOT have your best interests at heart.
When you perceive a ‘push away’ in the dimension of fragmented aspects (3-d), you feel fear (illusion). That fear causes you to perceive ‘other’ (illusion). And thus feel the need to protect yourself (I) against that other. In people who are afraid, like people who were abused, the ego is particularly strong because of this dynamic. When you push things away, the “definition” between you and them gets thicker and stronger like iron walls between you and other, instead of paper walls.
Safety is about seeing oneness. Safety is about seeing similarities. So my practice (which will cause me to feel safe, not protect the “I” and be open to life) is to be looking for similarities in myself and everyone. Looking for myself in things people do that makes me feel a push back. “In your anger, I see my anger”. “In your desire to stay away from what you think is evil, I see my desire to be good.” LOOK FOR SIMILARITIES. Look for how each thing in existence is you. Especially in the things you resist.
To fear is to push something away from yourself and to Love is to bring it in as part of yourself. They are opposites, just like truth and Illusion.
When we get into pain in a relationship, it is always an indication that we have a fear present (why we feel the separation from them). So any time we feel this, we can expose the fear instead.
The universe’s heart is broken… Broken into different things and people. You can’t not have a broken heart as an “I” that is separate from other things. It is our job to love that broken heart back to unity.
Watching the energy when a person thinks “I hate” or “I don’t want” or “I don’t like”, or makes negative judgments, it pushes things away. It pushes them away from oneness and into a state of loneliness. This opposes love. This causes pain. There is only one type of pain in this universe. That pain is separation. There is only one kind of happiness in this universe. That happiness is unity. Any time you feel pain of any kind it means that you feel separate from something. Any time you feel happiness of any kind, it means that you feel united with something.
Every time there is a judgment, there is a fear. Soften judgments of others by seeing how that judgment is true of you as well. Oneness must be practiced, continually looked for and witnessed.
When I am in pain of any kind, I have to ask myself, what part of myself am I trying to push away (usually in response to it being awoken by something external to me)? Is it the side of me that doubts the rest of me? Is it the side that feels so powerless and cut off from others it is in rage? Is it the side of me that doesn’t feel like it is good enough? Can I take that part in as part of myself? Can I bring it closer? This is radical self-love. The universe is a mirror of self. Doing this automatically makes the world more unified because in taking care of your resistance in this way it takes care of your external resistance to the external thing that triggered the resistance. For example, a war triggers the aspect of you that feels powerless. You want to get away from that part of you. But by bringing it closer, taking it as yourself, your resistance to the war is decreased by proxy and that ‘ends’ war because war is resistance.
Because the universe is one united consciousness that split into fragments, there is no other work in this universe than “parts work”. No other condition in this universe than multiple personality disorder (splitting).
The new question needs to be “How can I love this thing?” The answer is, how can you not? It is part of you, whether you like it or not. It is part of oneness and love is to take it as yourself. You can’t not… You can’t not! Thinking it is possible is illusion. Even if you push it away, it is still part of this universe, which is one. So it’ still part of you.
You cannot be lonely if everything is you. There is nothing lonely in oneness. For something to feel lonely, there has to be an “other”. And there is none.
I was in tenderness for hours while I was coming back into this dimension with the awakening, having lived through my near death experience. I was listening to the sounds in the area as if they were expressions of myself. I could feel deer vertebrae in my neck, half of a tarantula sticking half out of my jaw. A snake in my back and centipedes. A bat in my chest. My scapula felt broken open and 10 miles apart from the expansion still. My body still struggling to absorb all I was resistant to. My body hurts. My body hurts. It hurts as much for having taken everything in as it hurt for keeping it out. I was afraid with the awareness I was receiving that I would forget it. I was afraid that I would fall all the way back into illusion again. Each time I worried, I was told “Don’t worry because you can’t un-see this. You can’t un-see reality.”
I could see and hear and feel so clearly that my ‘self’ is the first thing that separated me… from me. My shame of myself was the second thing that separated me. I have been pushing things away from myself ever since. And I got to a point of ‘separation’ so intense that the only option was die to become one again. Every death is a suicide. I had to let my ego die so I could start living. In a way, all people on the path of awakening, which is everyone in existence (whether they know it or not), are an embodiment of the divine, reflecting back that divine in other people and calling people back to “ourself”. The illusion me (ego) is part of that real me (source). And on that morning, I was loving her for the first time. But now she was very small and tucked inside me for safe keeping.
I ended a million year war that day. A war I have perpetuated over lifetimes. A million year war because this is how long the oneness has been fragmenting and pushing parts of itself away. I no longer wanted to push anything away from myself, no matter how painful it was to take it in. I saw myself in everything and in everyone. Until my identity came back to life again, everything was a part of myself and a part of myself that needed LOVE.
I can never fully write what happened to me that night… you can’t write thousands of years. While I was going through it I knew “I will never be able to explain this to people in a million years.” But I also saw and was told by God that I am a voice for this universe trying to reach the aspects of itself that are separate. I am a bridge. So I will not stop trying. These “realities” make no sense to those who have not seen oneness with their own eyes, conceived of it with their own mind and felt it with their own heart. But I will find a way to close the gap. I will find a way to bridge it.
For thousands of years, duality within the universe has been like a war. Good versus evil; both sides unwilling to see itself in the other. What I experienced that night was the way that war takes place inside us as individuals. I saw the way that war takes place in me. I saw that for light to fight a battle against dark is to perpetuate suffering in every facet of life. It is to create separation, which is the opposite of love. I saw that love is the only antidote to this… Most especially love for the things we don’t want to love.
We are being called to end this war between good and bad by integrating good and bad. For the truth of us is that we are beyond polarity. We are both and we are neither. We are beyond polarity because it is not just that we can love. It is that we are love. We are love because we are one. And in a state of oneness, nothing is excluded… Nothing is left out.
Thanks so much to Wave Cutter Charters for sponsoring my blog. They have the best fishing charters in Pensacola Beach. You just give them a shout next time you’re in the area.